I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
