I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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