im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
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He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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