Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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