i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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