he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
