You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I can text with my tongue
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
