then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
