Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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