When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
