I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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