It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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