Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
