Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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