I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
