if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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