he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm too high and old for this...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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