I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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