Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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