all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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