im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
