i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just cropdusted the office
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
