Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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