Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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