; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
