Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
