My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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