How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
