he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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