My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
