my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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