Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
