i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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