dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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