Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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