Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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