I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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