i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
