Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
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i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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