Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
