the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
