You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
