I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
