literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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