I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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