Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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