i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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