I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
