I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Send us your Text From Last Night!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My feet surprised me
