Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.