she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule