You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..