The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
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I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
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I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally