Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro