Texts From Last Night

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(516): View more from New York

Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.

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(516): Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates. http://tfl.nu/it76

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

The one in Montpelier?

(802): View more from Vermont

yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.

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(802): You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns? (1-802): The one in Montpelier? (802): yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed. http://tfl.nu/hzcv

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(707): View more from California

i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.

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(707): i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either. http://tfl.nu/icf7

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(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

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(917): I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever. http://tfl.nu/rwuq

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(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

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(305): My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit. http://tfl.nu/7g7j

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked http://tfl.nu/ct4t

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?

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(608): can we please move this conversation out of my vagina? http://tfl.nu/qzib

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(360): View more from Washington

The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.

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(360): The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade. http://tfl.nu/rkoj

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(303): View more from Colorado

once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.

(303): View more from Colorado

oh and he was serious.

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(303): once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir. (303): oh and he was serious. http://tfl.nu/t6g9

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(202): if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess... http://tfl.nu/v82v

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(734): View more from Michigan

Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher

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(734): Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher http://tfl.nu/nr2j

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(571): final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself http://tfl.nu/96ze

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.

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(608): Im mastering the way to pass gas silently. http://tfl.nu/n26o

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(662): View more from Mississippi

New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?

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(662): New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests? http://tfl.nu/8lkf

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(317): View more from Indiana

when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

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(317): when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single http://tfl.nu/ybly

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