I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.