Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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