Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
