Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.